The Leadership Skill No One Teaches: Appreciation Languages at Work
A business leader I was working with said something to me recently that made me pause.
"I don't get it," he said. "I give my team bonuses, flexibility, and tell people they're doing well… but some of them still seem disengaged."
He wasn't a bad leader. In fact, he cared deeply about his team and was genuinely trying to create a positive culture.
But as we talked, something became clear.
He was appreciating them.
He just wasn't speaking the language they understood.
The Green Zone at Work
In my work as a coach I spend a lot of time talking about the "Green Zone." This is the state of the nervous system where we feel safe, connected, and capable of growth. Whether you are bringing a baby into the world or navigating a complex romantic partnership, reaching that Green Zone is the goal.
But the same nervous system shows up everywhere — including the workplace.
The boardroom, the Monday meeting, and even the Slack channel are shaped by the same human wiring that governs our relationships.
Most people are familiar with Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages in romantic relationships. One partner may crave heartfelt compliments while another feels most loved when someone helps with practical tasks.
Over years of coaching leaders and teams, I've realised something important:
These aren't just love languages.
They're appreciation languages.
And when leaders miss them, appreciation becomes like trying to charge an iPhone with the wrong cable — the energy is there, but the connection never quite happens.
What did relationship researcher John Gottman say was the number one thing for improving a romantic relationship? Learn to be a good listener.
And the most common reason people leave their jobs? They don't feel their boss listens to them.
Often a leader has the right intention and might even set things in motion to reward and recognise team members. But the problem is that it's often done in a way that suits them, rather than the people in their team.
The effort isn't the issue. The translation is.
The Problem with Personality Assessments
Interestingly, the leader I mentioned earlier had already tried to understand his team better. Like many organisations, his company had asked employees to complete a personality assessment — in this case a DISC profile.
However, once the assessments were completed… nothing really happened. There was no shared conversation about what the results meant. No discussion about how different styles might interact. No reflection on how leadership or communication might adapt as a result.
The exercise became what personality assessments often risk becoming: a tick-box activity.
This is surprisingly common. I've worked with organisations where personality tools are used purely for curiosity or training days. Having said that, I've also worked with businesses where personality and culture are considered so important that assessments are completed before a job offer is made.
The tool itself is rarely the problem. The problem is what organisations do with the insight.
This is where appreciation languages come in. When leaders understand how an employee receives value, they stop wasting energy on rewards that don't land and start creating the psychological safety where people perform at their best.
The Five Appreciation Languages at Work
Here is how I translate the five appreciation languages into the workplace.
1. Recognition — The Need to Be Seen and Acknowledged
For some employees, appreciation is all about recognition. They feel valued when their effort, skill, or contribution is clearly acknowledged.
In the workplace this is often attempted — but poorly executed. A generic "Good work everyone" at the end of a meeting doesn't move the needle for someone whose primary language is recognition. For these individuals, appreciation needs to be specific and timely.
Instead of: "Great presentation."
Try: "I noticed how you handled that difficult client question — your calm tone shifted the whole energy of the room."
Specific recognition reinforces competence and builds confidence. Research also shows that vague praise can actually make people uncomfortable. When someone hears "Great work," the brain immediately starts searching for evidence. But when appreciation is specific, people can anchor the feedback to something real — and repeat the behaviour.
2. Support — Knowing Someone Has Your Back
For some employees, talk is cheap. They feel valued when leaders actively remove obstacles. Support is about practical help when it matters most.
If someone is drowning in admin, support isn't saying: "You'll get there."
It might be: "I've postponed our meeting this afternoon so you have more time to focus on the report." Or: "I'll handle that client email if you like so you can work on the proposal."
This signals something powerful: I've got your back. And in high-pressure workplaces, that kind of leadership builds enormous trust.
3. Investment — Showing Someone Their Growth Matters
Some employees feel most valued when a leader invests in their development. For them, appreciation shows up as opportunities to learn, grow, and move forward.
Investment might look like sending someone to a professional development event, recommending a book related to their career goals, sponsoring training or mentoring opportunities, or giving them a stretch project that builds new skills.
One employee in a workplace study described the most meaningful reward they ever received. It wasn't a bonus. It was a book their manager left on their desk with a note that said: "This made me think of you."
The cost was small. But the impact was enormous — because the gesture signalled belief in their future.
4. Attention — The Power of Undivided Presence
In our world of notifications and constant pings, attention is becoming the rarest leadership currency. Employees who value attention want to know that when they speak, someone is truly listening.
This might look like a genuine one-to-one conversation, a brainstorming session without interruptions, a leader who asks thoughtful follow-up questions, or meetings where laptops and phones are put away.
In hypnobirthing and relationship work we often teach people to become more present with their bodies and emotions. In leadership, presence allows you to hear what's not being said as well as what is. And for many employees, feeling heard is the most powerful form of appreciation there is.
5. Connection — Feeling Part of Something Human
Finally, some employees feel most valued through connection. For them, appreciation shows up in the quality of relationships and team culture.
Connection might look like celebrating a win together, taking time for informal conversations, a team environment where people know something about each other as humans, or leaders who foster belonging rather than competition.
For these individuals, work isn't just about tasks. It's about being part of something meaningful with people they trust. And when connection is strong, engagement tends to follow.
Why This Matters for Your Business
When a leader speaks a language an employee doesn't understand, appreciation simply doesn't land.
But when leaders begin recognising the different appreciation languages within their teams, something shifts. People feel seen. They feel safe. And that safety unlocks creativity, loyalty, and performance.
One executive once asked employees why they stayed at the company despite receiving offers elsewhere. The answers surprised him. It wasn't salary or perks.
One employee simply said: "Because here, people notice when you do something well."
Sometimes the smallest signals of appreciation are the ones that matter most.
Discover Your Workplace Appreciation Language
If you're curious which type of appreciation matters most to you at work, take the short quiz below. It takes about two minutes — and the results often explain why certain leadership styles energise you while others leave you feeling unseen.
What Is Your Workplace Appreciation Language?
We all experience appreciation differently at work. Understanding how you feel most valued can transform communication, leadership, and team culture. For each question, choose the option that feels most true for you.
1. When I've worked hard on something, what means the most is:
Please select an answer to continue.
2. The kind of manager I appreciate most is someone who:
Please select an answer to continue.
3. When appreciation feels most genuine to me it usually involves:
Please select an answer to continue.
4. When I'm feeling undervalued at work it's often because:
Please select an answer to continue.
5. If I received unexpected appreciation from my manager, I would most value:
Please select an answer to continue.
6. When I think about the best workplaces I've experienced, they usually had:
Please select an answer to continue.
7. I feel most motivated at work when:
Please select an answer to continue.
8. When a colleague thanks me for something, it feels most meaningful when they:
Please select an answer to continue.
9. If I had to choose one thing that makes work feel worthwhile, it would be:
Please select an answer to continue.
10. The kind of feedback that motivates me most is:
Please select an answer to continue.
11. When a leader shows appreciation in a way that really lands, it usually involves:
Please select an answer to continue.
12. When work becomes stressful, the support I value most is:
Please select an answer to continue.
13. When I feel proud of my work, what I want most is:
Please select an answer to continue.
14. If a leader wanted to show appreciation to me personally, the best way would be:
Please select an answer to continue.
15. Work feels most fulfilling when:
Please select an answer to continue.
Your Appreciation Language is Recognition
Mostly A
You thrive when your efforts are seen, noticed, and clearly acknowledged. Generic praise doesn't move you — you need specificity. When a leader names exactly what you did well, it lights up your motivation and reinforces your confidence. You probably find yourself remembering moments of recognition more vividly than perks or bonuses. Recognition isn't just nice for you; it fuels your energy, commitment, and creativity at work.
Your Appreciation Language is Support
Mostly B
You feel most valued when someone actively steps in to help you, removes obstacles, or shares the load. Words alone aren't enough — actions speak louder than compliments. You often notice when colleagues or leaders truly "have your back" and it makes a lasting impression. Support is how you feel safe to take risks and stretch yourself at work.
Your Appreciation Language is Investment
Mostly C
You're energised when leaders show that they believe in your potential. Appreciation for you comes through opportunities, mentorship, or career growth. A thoughtful gift, training, or stretch project signals that someone sees not just what you've done, but what you can become. This type of appreciation makes you feel understood and valued in a deeper, long-term way.
Your Appreciation Language is Attention
Mostly D
Your primary appreciation language is being truly heard and seen. You feel valued when someone gives you their undivided attention, listens carefully, and engages with your ideas. In a world of distractions, this presence is rare — and profoundly meaningful to you. For you, respect, curiosity, and focus communicate appreciation far more than gifts, bonuses, or casual praise.
Your Appreciation Language is Connection
Mostly E
For you, appreciation is all about human connection and shared experiences. You feel most valued when you are part of a team that celebrates together, collaborates authentically, and cultivates a positive culture. You thrive in workplaces where relationships matter and shared energy is strong. Appreciation for you isn't just one-to-one; it's about belonging to something bigger.